On January 4th I began eating disorder treatment at the Renfrew Center in Dallas. I stayed there for 3 months and made a lot of progress towards recovery. After discharging, I moved back to Austin, to spend time with my family and have more support while I transitioned back to normal life. After two months in Austin, I'm back to Dallas and starting my life again.
I arrived in Dallas last night, and was greeted by my three adorable chihuahuas. My long term boyfriend, Matt, was at work, and so I had the house to myself. I carried in the cooler filled with frozen food my mother had taught me how to cook, and settled onto the couch with my babies. They looked at me as if nothing had changed. Mommy was back, they were happy. But so much has changed. I obviously don't blame them for not noticing. But how nice would it have been if they could congratulate me on all my hard work, or just notice I'd lost weight? I brush it off.
I got in late, and while waiting for Matt to get home, I fell asleep. So when I woke up this morning, realizing I didn't greet him in the 50's housewife way I had perfectly intended too, I was very disappointed in myself. I wanted him to see that I could be a better girlfriend now that I had given up my eating disorder. I wanted to prove how much I had changed, and now I had slept instead of spent hours looking perfect and greeting him with cookies. Reflecting now, I see that by allowing myself to sleep when I was tired actually did prove I had changed. I am no longer completely obsessed with being the perfect girl friend. I allow myself rest, and I am starting to see that what I want is important too. This all seems selfish, but according to Eating Disorder's anonymous, "we are selfish until we get our needs met." I'm also starting to realize that when I'm happy, I can make Matt happy a lot easier. So instead of spiraling into despair, I made a grocery list and woke Matt to see if he wanted to go to the store with me. He did. I'm slowly learning that one little thing doesn't have to ruin the rest of the day.
This blog with be about my re-entry to normal life, however, it will mostly be about cooking. When I was still in my eating disorder I was too scared to cook anything and spent no time at all in the kitchen. I ordered everything in or got fast food. I stopped tasting or appreciating the food, after all that's not why I was eating-I was eating to stuff my emotions down and avoid feeling anything. Part of my treatment was getting me in the kitchen. Learning to cook has been one of my biggest accomplishments, and I hate to admit it, but I actually love cooking now. That said, I still really struggle with a lot of aspects of cooking, and I will be documenting that here. To see how this all got started, check out my mother's fabulous blog at http://www.letterstomyagent.com/
Of course I hope that people learning to cook after recovery will find this helpful and relateable, but more importantly I want to see what I'm learning about food and myself. I always welcome suggestions and comments, however, triggering advice or comments will be deleted to protect any potential readers.
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