Oh Hello Ed, long time no see

I've mentioned before that I really struggle with my schedule and getting my meals in. Well last week, Matt worked mornings, my schedule was perfect. We woke up to eat breakfast, I did lunch on my own and we did dinner together. But Matt's back to working the 4pm-2am shift and I am losing my grip. For the past week, I've been doing 2 meals a day, larger than a typical meal. No, not binges, just bigger because I wasn't eating 3 meals a day. I'd get up at 12pm and eat breakfast with Matt, and he'd go to work. Around 5 I'd get tired and take a nap and then around 8pm I'd have dinner on my own. I didn't eat after 8pm because it felt like dinner. What I'm realizing now is that getting tired only 5 hours after waking up, probably isn't a good sign. Instead I think I was hungry.

This is a terrifying realization. I've sat through hours of therapy and know damn well that sleeping instead of eating is a way eating disordered people avoid eating. It's what we call a symptom. It's the same as binging, purging, over exercising, and not eating. I've slept off meals plenty in the past, but I knew I was doing it. I had a conversation with Ed about it, and he decided I would sleep instead of eat, so I did.

Throughout this journey, both in treatment and in outpatient, I've been told I'm incredibly introspective. If there is one thing I'm good at, it's separating Ed's voice from mine and seeing the logical side. When I use a symptom, I'm making a conscious decision to chose Ed's opinion over the logical one. But not this time. For the past week, I've been tuning out Ed's voice but still listening to his commands. I'm so lost. But one of the most valuable lessons I've learned is to ask for help. I'm speaking with my dietician tomorrow to discuss all these issues.

Unfortunately I was realizing all of the above right after waking up from my typical nap and going over what I had eaten today. One meal--a sandwich. I got in the car, because I was expecting a call from my sister and we get terrible service in the apartment. I sat and waited for her to call. I decided to go pick up dinner while I was waiting. I picked up a burger and small fries and drove back home. She needed a few more minutes before she could call and so I ate in my car. Six months ago, when I was binging all the time, my preferred place to eat was the car. And my preferred food was fast food. So this was very familiar. Sure it was 3 burgers short of being a binge, but it definitely brought up a lot of emotional memories about food.

And then Ed opened my car door and sat down.

Ed: Fast food in the car, way to go. I thought you were losing weight, not indulging yourself.

C: Yeah, me too. But I need to eat.

Ed: And what? You're too lazy to cook?

C: Fast food fits in my meal plan Ed.

Ed: I guarantee you that if you finish this meal you won't fit into the sparkle jeans.

Oh boy. Ed hit a nerve. The sparkle jeans are my absolute favorite jeans that I used to fit into. The last time I wore them, I felt sexy, worthy, and wanted. I understand that none of that had to do with what I was wearing, but I have fond memories of those jeans. Two days ago, Matt found them in our closet and told me they were a size bigger than my current shorts. This was a huge moment for me. For some reason I thought I was at least a few sizes away from them. But, I knew that the sparkle jeans run small, and they fit skin tight even when they fit. I knew it was a bad idea to try them on, but I did anyway. They fit, but were tight, really tight, and I calmly told myself I could try again in a few weeks.

I have not stopped thinking about them since. So when Ed brought them up, that was enough for me to listen to him. I spit out the food in my mouth and threw away the rest (I was almost finished, this was maybe two bites). As soon as I did it, the urge to purge took over and I felt trapped by Ed. He was winning. I was believing his argument and the idea of fitting into those jeans sounded sooo good. Picking up my sister in the sparkle jeans would be amazing.

This was not good. So I started texting my supports. And then my sister called. Shit. How was I suppose to pretend nothing was wrong? I rushed through my list of things to tell her, told her I loved her and hung up the phone. I don't think she suspected anything, but I feel more guilty than ever. I'm working so hard on being honest, and yet, here I was pretending it was all okay. So instead of calling her back, I decided to write it all down. Here it is.

I'm in the middle of a major Ed melt down. I feel worthless and like a failure. But like all things, this feeling will pass.

I'm Back!

Hello again! I've been MIA for the past week and a half. There are a million reasons involving sick dogs and the real world getting in the way, but instead of getting into all that, I'd like to avoid excuses. Instead, I hope y'all will just forgive me and I'll keep blogging.

Here's what's going on with my life:

I'm trying to figure out what in the world I want to do. I've graduated treatment, and I'm ready to start my new life. Being a teacher for a bunch of adorable kids sounds like fun, but it also sounds really safe. I'm good with kids, and even better when I barely have to interact with other adults. I've learned that I'm more successful battling my eating disorder when I'm not isolated. So I'm now looking at jobs that involve being around people and that I would enjoy. So far, I'm considering cosmetology school. I love hair and makeup and I really love transforming people and making them feel beautiful. I'm still in the considering phase, so don't start booking your appointments yet.

My baby sister, who I should point out is actually not a baby anymore, is coming to Dallas on Tuesday to spend the week with me. This will be the first time she comes to visit and I'm not eating disordered. I'm not working 55 hours a week, and trying to control everything around me. I'm just me. I have a few things planned for her trip, including some cooking, but mainly I'm just excited to spend time with my wonderfully, beautiful, healthy, optimistic sister. I hope I can be even a little bit like her. In past trips we had to focus out activities around food. Now, without ED, we get to do whatever we want. Focus on fun, not on food. I could not be more excited.

The Naked Truth

This post has nothing to do with cooking. Now that's out of the way, lets discuss nakedness.

Being naked is not exactly something I enjoy doing. For most of the time that I've had a mature body, I have been concerned with how much and what parts of it was showing. My nerves got worse as I got older. This is directly related to how long I had been using my eating disorder as a coping mechanism. The older I got, the longer I'd been eating disordered, and the more weight I had gained. The more I think about it, however, I really don't think it has to do with weight. I think a lot of women have insecurities about their bodies regardless of their size. If that's true, then the only reason I can see that my confidence would drop with age is a combination of experience and a lack of experience. Confused yet? As I experienced more reactions to my body, more comments about my appearance and more time seeing my body in a variety of different clothing types and situations, I formed a set of ideas about my body and shape. But that's not it. My lack of experience comes into play too. While I was busy getting self conscious, I stopped letting myself be free with my body. Here are some of my body rules: never wear clothes for comfort, never dance in front of others, no swimming, intimate moments must happen in the dark, never change in front of anyone, always wear pants to cover your legs, whenever possible wear a cardigan to cover your belly, always wear sleeves that cover your upper arms

So imagine my surprise when reflecting back on my week I realized that I had done almost everything on my "no" list. I wore shorts and a tank top to visit friends, changed outfits in front of two girl friends, went swimming in a a two piece, wore clothes that allowed me to be cool in the Texas heat regardless of appearance and DANCED IN A BRA AND UNDERWEAR WITH MY TWO BEST FRIENDS.

When I think about these accomplishments for the most part they seem pretty typical. All but one anyway. But the more I think about a world where three best friends can't have a great night out and come home to dance around in their underwear, the more I realize that would suck. So I don't care who judges us, I've decided that half naked dancing should and will be an important part of our weekly plans.

My arms my jiggle, my tummy has stretch marks, and I'm still a curvaceous girl. But in allowing myself to give ED the middle finger and experience my body in all of it's glory, I've realized that not only do I have two of the greatest friends in the world who accept my body the way it is, but also that I have a body that I accept the way it is.

Cooking with Kelly

I know I know, this is Cooking with ED, but he was on vacation, and what a relief! Instead, this post will feature a much more likable cooking partner. Meet Kelly. An all around awesome chic that happens to be my best friend and recovery buddy. Kelly and I met in treatment at the Renfrew Center. She and I are both diagnosed as ED-NOS (Eating Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified), however, we have very different eating disorders. Kelly purges like a bulimic, while restricting like an anorexic. I binge like a binge eater while restricting like an anorexic. She's blanorexic and I'm bingorexic. Long story short, we both have eating disorders. Kelly is more than 6 months "sober". This means she hasn't purged her food in more than 6 months. (I told you she is amazing right?)

Now on to the cooking!

I went up to visit Kelly in Denton on Monday and we decided to cook ourselves din din. She had prepared chicken breasts and had them marinating in a barbecue mixture when I got there. My job was veggies, so we stopped at the store for broccoli and drinks. While we were at the store, they were doing a giveaway of the worlds smallest juicer. I have to admit this thing is pretty cool, and it works well! Above is a pic of tangerine juice Kelly made with this handy tool!

For dinner we had grilled barbecue chicken, crispy broccoli and a side of orzo. (See pic above)

This broccoli recipe is seriously my favorite. Here's how to make it:

• Cut up broccoli into bite side pieces
• Put in giant zip lock bag
• Add a couple swigs of olive oil and a couple swigs of balsamic vinaigrette
• Add however much salt and pepper your heart desires
• Shake the bag uncontrollably while dancing around your kitchen
• Empty the contents of the bag onto a baking sheet and bake at 425 degrees for 25 minutes

Eating with someone who understands what you are going through makes recovery possible. I honestly couldn't be so successful without my treatment friends, especially Kelly.

Speaking of Kelly, she's on her way here now to go swimming! Recovery is great!

Several difficult days of eating out

Wow! What a difficult couple days! Matt's parent's are in town, and in an effort to spend as much time with them as possible, we haven't really had much opportunity to be in the kitchen. Before I went to treatment and stopped binging, I ate out at least once a day. Some days it was so bad I'd eat out every meal. Cooking was that impossible for me. But so was tasting the food. I could eat the same thing three meals a day for months at a time. I had no taste. I'm blown away how much all this eating out has effected me. Next time I can't remember making any progress, I'd like to remember this realization. I don't like eating out as much as I used to, and I'm very grateful. Check out the food, and forgive the lack of cooking on a cooking blog (oops!):



Thursday June 9th
Grande iced nonfat chai from starbucks and a banana chocolate chip coffee cake
Panda Express orange chicken, rice and mixed veggies (of which I ate about 1/3-servings are HUGE)
Tomato, chicken and tomato pasta salad, homemade french bread hunk, and a side a grapes (YUM!)
Friday June 10th
Eggs and a bowl of cereal (from the hotel buffet where Matt's parents are staying)
Jimmy Johns italian sub with a bunch of lettuce and meat
Genghis Grill chicken, egg and broccoli bowl

Whew. In the past two days I only cooked one meal. If I would have said that two months ago, I would have probably received an award for spending so much time in the kitchen. But now, I long to be tossing veggies in my beautiful new not non-stick (STICK?) pans.
Here's what was difficult the past couple days- I love chai tea, and starbucks has a great iced version, however, eating coffee cake for breakfast was 100% guilt inducing. I found myself eating really quickly to get it over with. I wanted to make sure no one saw me, a big girl, eating an indulgent breakfast. Lunch was a challenge in so many ways. To understand it, I will need to explain a trigger for someone with an eating disorder, because lunch was trigger city.
A trigger is something that we either see, hear or feel that triggers us to use our eating disorder as a coping mechanism. It's different for everyone. If I see something that makes me want to binge, that's a trigger, for some of my friends seeing people vomit is a huge trigger. For me, comments about what is healthy and what is "good" versus "bad" is a major trigger. I'm 100% an all or nothing personality type. I either will eat everything in the best, lowest fat, healthiest way possible or nothing at all. And if I heaven forbid eat something that is tasty, but does not live up to my rigid standard of "good," then I might as well have ruined the entire day, and I feel the need to punish myself by binging on greasy food until I'm in physical pain.
So now onto lunch. Several comments were made about which place in a mall food court was healthy. Of course to me the answer is none, but I have been working very hard to be flexible. Every choice had the potential to be binge food. Chile's is a restuarant that my amazing dietician, Laura, and I have discussed. I know what to order and I know it's okay. So when the comment "you can't get anything healthy at Chile's" was throw out there by Matt's well meaning mother, ED and I had a little chat.
Ed: Whoa there Coco, hear that? Laura told you that you could eat there. She lied.
C: No Ed, Laura knows what she's talking about. It's her job to help me.
Ed: Remember last week when you weighed in and you only lost 40 pounds? I wanted you to lose 50. 50 is a good number. If you keep listening to Laura, you won't ever lose weight.
C: I know Ed. I wish I lost 50 pounds too, but you are not the answer. (Turn to Matt, and ask for help)
Matt and I ended up eating Panda Express because I had eaten there before and felt comfortable with my ability to eat what I wanted and not be forced to eat it all. His parents both commented about how much they didn't like Panda Express. Logically, I understand that they were expressing their opinion, however, emotionally I felt like I had failed them by making a choice they didn't agree with. They also asked several questions about treatment that I was stumped to answer. I never know how much is too much to share. It seemed like they thought I was in treatment to lose weight. I don't know if they understand what an eating disorder is. Or if they do, maybe they are like so many people out there that think you must be under weight to have an eating disorder. It's true, all the PSAs out there show shrinking girls dying of starvation. And that is definitely Ed. But where is the information about the most common eating disorder in the United States? Binge eating disorder is absolutely an eating disorder and should be recognized as one. But I won't launch into this now. Instead, I wonder how to go about explaining that I have not in fact spent the past 5 months attempting to lose weight. I was saving my life. I was getting over an addiction while slipping into other addictions. This is not the "watch me eat healthy and lose weight" blog. I was really really sick 5 months ago, completely wrapped up in my eating disorder, unable to live a normal life. I wish it was only a matter of losing weight.

Luckily I was able to cook dinner, and I used a recipe my mother gave me. Orzo is amazing. If you haven't tried it, do it! It cooks in 9 minutes, and comes in an adorable little box. I bought tomatoes at Kroger, which was painful. After living with my mother, master of the garden, for 2 months I've been spoiled. The tomatoes weren't bad by any means, but there is 100% a difference between a store bought tomato and a backyard picked tomato. This week I'll be heading here: http://www.dallasfarmersmarket.org/ for my produce needs.
The recipe calls for shredded cooked chicken. Cooking meat is still fairly terrifying for me, and because I was also trying to make dinner pretty quickly, I picked up a rotisserie chicken and had Matt pull apart the breast meat. It worked perfectly and made my job so much easier! We brought the meal to Matt's parents hotel room, and they seemed to enjoy it, which gave me an incredible sense of pride. I love the feeling of cooking something incredible and feeding it to appreciative mouths, including my own! Is there a better reward?

The next day we ate breakfast at the hotel breakfast buffet. If I'm not binging I have a very difficult time trusting food. How were the eggs cooked? Butter? Oil? Are they real eggs, or powder? What about this sausage? How many grams of fat? Oye. It makes my head spin. I had Matt make the decisions for me. The eggs were bland, and I longed for my veggie egg scramble. The cereal was sweet but tasty.

For lunch we ordered sandwiches from Jimmy Johns. I picked out the one I wanted without the help of Ed. When they arrived it was way more than I had expected, but I was hungry and I ate it. It was made on white bread that stuck to the roof my mouth. I am a loyal Subway eater. I love customizing everything down to the yummy 9 grain honey oat bread. Jimmy Johns was good, but once again, the comments evaluating which food is better or worse came up, and the criticism was for subway. I tried to push these comments out of my head and focus on the food, but I really struggled. I ate quickly with no focus on taste or texture.

Dinner was with my best friend Kelly, who shared the Veggie Soup recipe from a few days ago. Kelly knows all about my food issues and struggles with some herself. We decided to go to Genghis Grill, where you get to customize what you want in a stir fry bowl. The conversation was a perfect distraction and eating with someone who isn't triggering really allowed me to focus on all the tastes and the textures of the different veggies and proteins. It was a wonderful meal!

All and all the past two days have taught me a lot. First, my body doesn't not like eating out so much. My brain doesn't function as well, and I definitely don't get the same nutrients as cooking at home. Second, I really do enjoy cooking now. Who knew absence would make my heart grow fonder? Also, I've learned that I really struggle to let outsiders comments go. Not everyone understands what it means to have an eating disorder, and I can't expect anyone to say the right thing at the right time without doing my part and educating my support system.

Matt, I'm very grateful for your support the past couple days. (After lunch one day I sat on a bench crying. I told Matt that I knew the discomfort would pass, but I didn't know how to deal with waiting in the mean time. His response? "Yeah. It sucks. But you can do this." It was the perfect response. Sometimes you need to hear that what you think sucks indeed does suck!) You've helped me realize that I can do more than I think I can. Thanks for believing in me!

Delish Day One

What a delicious day! The timing of my meals was very different than a typical day, and that proved to be very difficult. Check it out:
Breakfast (11:30 am): Broccoli, bell pepper, onion and cheese egg scramble with orange juice
Lunch (7:00 pm): Vegetarian Soup with cheese and a piece of homemade french toast
Dinner (12:15 am): Bean, Soy sausage and potato burrito

While breakfast was easy, there we a few challenges with lunch. I wanted to measure the soup and the cheese and control exactly how many calories I could have. However, I knew that nothing helpful would come from that, and so I just put in whatever looked good and focused on the taste and texture. I got the recipe from a friend of mine in treatment, and I seriously swear by it. It's my favorite recipe and such a great meal! Because the timing of these meals were so off, it would have been really easy to skip dinner. ED must have been very disappointed though, because I actually noticed my hunger ques. I can't remember the last time I thought I should skip a meal and then felt my hunger ques and chose to eat. What a breakthrough! And to top it all off, today marks three months since I last binged.

All in all a great day!

Week 1 Menu

This week is a little bit different then most weeks for a few reason. First, Matt's parents are in Dallas visiting from Michigan. Also, it's a transition week, and my new schedule will take some getting used to. But here is my tentative menu for the week, I'll post recipes each day:

June 8th
Breakfast- Broccoli, bell pepper, onion and cheese egg scramble with a small glass of orange juice
Lunch- Black bean burgers on toast
Dinner- Vegetarian Soup with sour cream and cheese served with homemade french bread
June 9th
Breakfast- French Toast
Lunch- Vegetarian soup with sour cream and cheese served with homemade french bread (leftovers make me very happy!)
Dinner- Out with Matt's parents
June 10th
Breakfast- Eggs, ham, cheese, broccoli scramble served with home fries
Lunch- I-Hate-To-Cook meatloaf
Dinner- Chicken, corn and tomato orzo pasta salad
June 11th
Breakfast- Blueberry pancakes with cottage cheese
Lunch- Homemade panini with chicken, pesto and roasted red peppers
Dinner- Mac and cheese with crispy broccoli
June 12th
Breakfast/Lunch- brunch out @Wecks
Dinner- Venison Pasole with roasted asparagus and homemade french bread

Yum! What a great week!

All the information you need to know

On January 4th I began eating disorder treatment at the Renfrew Center in Dallas. I stayed there for 3 months and made a lot of progress towards recovery. After discharging, I moved back to Austin, to spend time with my family and have more support while I transitioned back to normal life. After two months in Austin, I'm back to Dallas and starting my life again.

I arrived in Dallas last night, and was greeted by my three adorable chihuahuas. My long term boyfriend, Matt, was at work, and so I had the house to myself. I carried in the cooler filled with frozen food my mother had taught me how to cook, and settled onto the couch with my babies. They looked at me as if nothing had changed. Mommy was back, they were happy. But so much has changed. I obviously don't blame them for not noticing. But how nice would it have been if they could congratulate me on all my hard work, or just notice I'd lost weight? I brush it off.
I got in late, and while waiting for Matt to get home, I fell asleep. So when I woke up this morning, realizing I didn't greet him in the 50's housewife way I had perfectly intended too, I was very disappointed in myself. I wanted him to see that I could be a better girlfriend now that I had given up my eating disorder. I wanted to prove how much I had changed, and now I had slept instead of spent hours looking perfect and greeting him with cookies. Reflecting now, I see that by allowing myself to sleep when I was tired actually did prove I had changed. I am no longer completely obsessed with being the perfect girl friend. I allow myself rest, and I am starting to see that what I want is important too. This all seems selfish, but according to Eating Disorder's anonymous, "we are selfish until we get our needs met." I'm also starting to realize that when I'm happy, I can make Matt happy a lot easier. So instead of spiraling into despair, I made a grocery list and woke Matt to see if he wanted to go to the store with me. He did. I'm slowly learning that one little thing doesn't have to ruin the rest of the day.

This blog with be about my re-entry to normal life, however, it will mostly be about cooking. When I was still in my eating disorder I was too scared to cook anything and spent no time at all in the kitchen. I ordered everything in or got fast food. I stopped tasting or appreciating the food, after all that's not why I was eating-I was eating to stuff my emotions down and avoid feeling anything. Part of my treatment was getting me in the kitchen. Learning to cook has been one of my biggest accomplishments, and I hate to admit it, but I actually love cooking now. That said, I still really struggle with a lot of aspects of cooking, and I will be documenting that here. To see how this all got started, check out my mother's fabulous blog at http://www.letterstomyagent.com/
Of course I hope that people learning to cook after recovery will find this helpful and relateable, but more importantly I want to see what I'm learning about food and myself. I always welcome suggestions and comments, however, triggering advice or comments will be deleted to protect any potential readers.