Cooking in Bulk

I've decided to make use of this long holiday weekend by cooking in bulk. My first adventure? Breakfast burritos.

Cooking in bulk is a great way to have tasty, homemade food in much less time. One thing I still hate about cooking (even after overcoming my initial hatred) is how long it takes, so I'm all about saving time. It also ensure's that you have healthy options at your fingertips when crisis happens. For Ed, not having easy food around the house is a great reason to use symptoms, whether that means binging, or just not eating at all.

Here's what I used in the burritos:

Black beans (that I had frozen from the last time I cooked black beans)

Cheddar cheese

Eggs

Potatoes

Japelenos

Tortillas

I used different varieties of the above ingredients each time:

1) Potato, bean, cheese

2) Potato, bean, cheese, egg

3) Egg, bean, cheese

4) Egg, potato, cheese

Once I rolled each of the burritos up I wrapped them in wax paper and taped them closed. I labeled each one and put them all in a ziplock in the freezer.

I'd love to hear what foods you cook in bulk and other ways you save time cooking!

Lunch Ideas

Alrighty! I'm settling in for my first full week back at school, and planning my lunches. Planning is soooo important for people with food issues. I can't tell you how many times my food has been either too much or too little because of poor planning. Without a plan I either buy food out and tend to eat more than I would if I packed a lunch on my own, or I forget to eat all together. My meal plan calls for a morning snack and an afternoon snack in addition to lunch.

Here are my lunch and snack ideas for this week: (snacks have stars)

Monday:

Leftover turkey burger and bun

Side salad

*Mini carrots

*Grapes and a cheese stick

Tuesday:

Chicken quesadilla

Leftover roasted broccoli

*Cream cheese in celery

*Yogurt

Wednesday:

Turkey Sandwich

Carrots

*Rice Cakes and a cheese stick

*Peanut Butter and celery

Thursday:

Leftover pasta

Salad

*Chocolate covered almonds

*Carrots and dip

Please let me know what you think and any suggestions you have! I would love more inspired ideas! What do you eat for lunch?

Taco Salad

I tend to spend an insane amount of time at the grocery store, for two reasons-I love wandering the isles and listening to conversations, and I'm an avid couponer. Couponing takes a ton of time, but allows me to get a lot of stuff for free, and then I get to donate that extra to food banks and shelters. Anyway, because I spend so much time at the grocery store, I was really surprised to see that our new Kroger makes taco shells for taco salad. This recent discovery inspired our dinner tonight.

**Love all these colors!**-------------------->

Ingredients:

2 Taco Shells

Ground Turkey Breast

Cheddar

Corn (Frozen or fresh)

Black beans (canned or homemade)

Spanish rice riceroni mix

4 tomatoes

A bunch of lettuce

Guacamole (optional)

Sour Cream (optional)

Salsa

Steps:

1) Brown the meat and season to your liking. Matt is the spice king so this was all up to him. He used Fajita seasoning, chili powder and garlic salt (I was skeptical of the garlic, but it was tasty!)

2) Follow the riceroni mix instructions, substituting the cans of tomato with 2 fresh chopped tomatos.

3) Put your beans, corn, cheddar, lettuce, tomato, beef and rice in separate bowls

4) Take out your shell and layer above ingredients to your satisfaction

5) Top with guac, sour cream and salsa if desired (or be like Matt and put Ranch dressing on top)

This was a really yummy dinner and I felt like we were in a restaurant with the fancy taco shells, however, we would not purchase the shells again, because we really didn't like the taste. So next time we'll make our taco salad in bowls and eat it with corn chips. Enjoy the pictures and let me know what you think!

Living with Ed

Hello!! Long time no blog! Let's skip the long drawn out excuses of why I've been gone and get right into the good stuff!

First of all, I'm so happy to be back blogging! I am so excited to share what I've learned, both cooking and not. And I can't wait to try some new recipes!

If you have an eating disorder, or know someone who does (if you're reading this, chances are you are one of the two) there is something you should know. No matter how long you've been in recovery, or how good you get at pushing disordered thoughts out of your mind, Ed will still come knocking. If you are a supporter, this might come as a surprise. In fact, I am constantly asking myself when Ed is going to stop hanging around for breakfast. And when he's been gone a while and then comes back I'm always surprised. We were all doing fine without him, so why did he have to come back? My friends and I sometimes say, "Ed's been here a lot this week." And often enough, we aren't alone and Ed's been hanging around them too.

So why am I explaining this? Well, frankly, because Ed has been here a lot this past month. Contrary to what you might think, having Ed around doesn't just effect food. He definitely has a lot to say about food, but he also has opinions about my clothes, my makeup, what I'm doing during the day, who I'm talking to and what I'm saying. With Ed, there is no such thing and waking up, throwing on a t-shirt and taking your dog on a walk. You must first consider the perfect outfit for dog walking that is appropriate for the activity but still fashionable and most of all slimming. You must forget all together about the weather, and wear what covers your flaws. Then, after trying on each of the possible outfits and examining yourself in the mirror, you must do your hair and makeup to hide any of those flaws. After all that, you should consider who you might see while out on your walk and what they might say or do. There are a million possibilites , and you should have a response for each of them. If your neighbor says, "hello!" you should respond nicely while quietly reading their mind and figure out what they really mean. Does "hello!" actually mean, "wow, your a little too fat to be out walking your dog" or does it mean "why did I have to run into you today" or can it simply mean "hello!"?

I guess the point is, that living with Ed is a lot more work than it might seem. And when he's here I often really struggle to see that his demands really are ridiculous. Writing them out, like I did above, really helps me see the truth, and get back to what is important. Which for the above senario is getting my dog out on her morning walk.

This week I am going to be starting a new semester of College. After taking a semester off for eating disorder treatment, I am incredibly nervous for all the new challenges ahead. I know that Ed will be hanging around a lot those first days, and my goal is to remember that his demands are insane, to stick to my food plan, and to have fun regardless of how silly I might look. Since I'll be commuting from my apartment, I'm going to be packing my lunch every morning and eating on campus. Keep on the lookout for a future post about packing lunch/dinner.

Now I'm off to cook dinner for two. I'll be making this recipe from the food network for a healthy version of fettucinne alfredo: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/food-network-kitchens/low-cal-fettuccine-alfredo-recipe/index.html

With that, we are having roasted broccoli, and grilled chicken. The broccoli recipe can be found on my previous post "cooking with kelly": http://cookingwithed.blogspot.com/2011/06/cooking-with-kelly.html

Enjoy!

Oh Hello Ed, long time no see

I've mentioned before that I really struggle with my schedule and getting my meals in. Well last week, Matt worked mornings, my schedule was perfect. We woke up to eat breakfast, I did lunch on my own and we did dinner together. But Matt's back to working the 4pm-2am shift and I am losing my grip. For the past week, I've been doing 2 meals a day, larger than a typical meal. No, not binges, just bigger because I wasn't eating 3 meals a day. I'd get up at 12pm and eat breakfast with Matt, and he'd go to work. Around 5 I'd get tired and take a nap and then around 8pm I'd have dinner on my own. I didn't eat after 8pm because it felt like dinner. What I'm realizing now is that getting tired only 5 hours after waking up, probably isn't a good sign. Instead I think I was hungry.

This is a terrifying realization. I've sat through hours of therapy and know damn well that sleeping instead of eating is a way eating disordered people avoid eating. It's what we call a symptom. It's the same as binging, purging, over exercising, and not eating. I've slept off meals plenty in the past, but I knew I was doing it. I had a conversation with Ed about it, and he decided I would sleep instead of eat, so I did.

Throughout this journey, both in treatment and in outpatient, I've been told I'm incredibly introspective. If there is one thing I'm good at, it's separating Ed's voice from mine and seeing the logical side. When I use a symptom, I'm making a conscious decision to chose Ed's opinion over the logical one. But not this time. For the past week, I've been tuning out Ed's voice but still listening to his commands. I'm so lost. But one of the most valuable lessons I've learned is to ask for help. I'm speaking with my dietician tomorrow to discuss all these issues.

Unfortunately I was realizing all of the above right after waking up from my typical nap and going over what I had eaten today. One meal--a sandwich. I got in the car, because I was expecting a call from my sister and we get terrible service in the apartment. I sat and waited for her to call. I decided to go pick up dinner while I was waiting. I picked up a burger and small fries and drove back home. She needed a few more minutes before she could call and so I ate in my car. Six months ago, when I was binging all the time, my preferred place to eat was the car. And my preferred food was fast food. So this was very familiar. Sure it was 3 burgers short of being a binge, but it definitely brought up a lot of emotional memories about food.

And then Ed opened my car door and sat down.

Ed: Fast food in the car, way to go. I thought you were losing weight, not indulging yourself.

C: Yeah, me too. But I need to eat.

Ed: And what? You're too lazy to cook?

C: Fast food fits in my meal plan Ed.

Ed: I guarantee you that if you finish this meal you won't fit into the sparkle jeans.

Oh boy. Ed hit a nerve. The sparkle jeans are my absolute favorite jeans that I used to fit into. The last time I wore them, I felt sexy, worthy, and wanted. I understand that none of that had to do with what I was wearing, but I have fond memories of those jeans. Two days ago, Matt found them in our closet and told me they were a size bigger than my current shorts. This was a huge moment for me. For some reason I thought I was at least a few sizes away from them. But, I knew that the sparkle jeans run small, and they fit skin tight even when they fit. I knew it was a bad idea to try them on, but I did anyway. They fit, but were tight, really tight, and I calmly told myself I could try again in a few weeks.

I have not stopped thinking about them since. So when Ed brought them up, that was enough for me to listen to him. I spit out the food in my mouth and threw away the rest (I was almost finished, this was maybe two bites). As soon as I did it, the urge to purge took over and I felt trapped by Ed. He was winning. I was believing his argument and the idea of fitting into those jeans sounded sooo good. Picking up my sister in the sparkle jeans would be amazing.

This was not good. So I started texting my supports. And then my sister called. Shit. How was I suppose to pretend nothing was wrong? I rushed through my list of things to tell her, told her I loved her and hung up the phone. I don't think she suspected anything, but I feel more guilty than ever. I'm working so hard on being honest, and yet, here I was pretending it was all okay. So instead of calling her back, I decided to write it all down. Here it is.

I'm in the middle of a major Ed melt down. I feel worthless and like a failure. But like all things, this feeling will pass.

I'm Back!

Hello again! I've been MIA for the past week and a half. There are a million reasons involving sick dogs and the real world getting in the way, but instead of getting into all that, I'd like to avoid excuses. Instead, I hope y'all will just forgive me and I'll keep blogging.

Here's what's going on with my life:

I'm trying to figure out what in the world I want to do. I've graduated treatment, and I'm ready to start my new life. Being a teacher for a bunch of adorable kids sounds like fun, but it also sounds really safe. I'm good with kids, and even better when I barely have to interact with other adults. I've learned that I'm more successful battling my eating disorder when I'm not isolated. So I'm now looking at jobs that involve being around people and that I would enjoy. So far, I'm considering cosmetology school. I love hair and makeup and I really love transforming people and making them feel beautiful. I'm still in the considering phase, so don't start booking your appointments yet.

My baby sister, who I should point out is actually not a baby anymore, is coming to Dallas on Tuesday to spend the week with me. This will be the first time she comes to visit and I'm not eating disordered. I'm not working 55 hours a week, and trying to control everything around me. I'm just me. I have a few things planned for her trip, including some cooking, but mainly I'm just excited to spend time with my wonderfully, beautiful, healthy, optimistic sister. I hope I can be even a little bit like her. In past trips we had to focus out activities around food. Now, without ED, we get to do whatever we want. Focus on fun, not on food. I could not be more excited.

The Naked Truth

This post has nothing to do with cooking. Now that's out of the way, lets discuss nakedness.

Being naked is not exactly something I enjoy doing. For most of the time that I've had a mature body, I have been concerned with how much and what parts of it was showing. My nerves got worse as I got older. This is directly related to how long I had been using my eating disorder as a coping mechanism. The older I got, the longer I'd been eating disordered, and the more weight I had gained. The more I think about it, however, I really don't think it has to do with weight. I think a lot of women have insecurities about their bodies regardless of their size. If that's true, then the only reason I can see that my confidence would drop with age is a combination of experience and a lack of experience. Confused yet? As I experienced more reactions to my body, more comments about my appearance and more time seeing my body in a variety of different clothing types and situations, I formed a set of ideas about my body and shape. But that's not it. My lack of experience comes into play too. While I was busy getting self conscious, I stopped letting myself be free with my body. Here are some of my body rules: never wear clothes for comfort, never dance in front of others, no swimming, intimate moments must happen in the dark, never change in front of anyone, always wear pants to cover your legs, whenever possible wear a cardigan to cover your belly, always wear sleeves that cover your upper arms

So imagine my surprise when reflecting back on my week I realized that I had done almost everything on my "no" list. I wore shorts and a tank top to visit friends, changed outfits in front of two girl friends, went swimming in a a two piece, wore clothes that allowed me to be cool in the Texas heat regardless of appearance and DANCED IN A BRA AND UNDERWEAR WITH MY TWO BEST FRIENDS.

When I think about these accomplishments for the most part they seem pretty typical. All but one anyway. But the more I think about a world where three best friends can't have a great night out and come home to dance around in their underwear, the more I realize that would suck. So I don't care who judges us, I've decided that half naked dancing should and will be an important part of our weekly plans.

My arms my jiggle, my tummy has stretch marks, and I'm still a curvaceous girl. But in allowing myself to give ED the middle finger and experience my body in all of it's glory, I've realized that not only do I have two of the greatest friends in the world who accept my body the way it is, but also that I have a body that I accept the way it is.